Every apartment is terrible

I’ve been apartment hunting at peak season in Seattle, and I just picked out my new place. I got all spun up last night reading the reviews of the building, which are only so-so. Then I realized that all apartment reviews are terrible. Seriously, check out these stinkers from some of the most exclusive residences in town.

The Escala

Escala

A man was shot to death about a block away, today, 4/7/14, so keep that in mind when you read the positive reviews here about how great a neighborhood this building is in.  He’s still at large so hopefully you don’t run in to the killer at night.

The Olivian

Olivian

However, let’s be real here: the building’s aging (five years and counting) and it is starting to show.

Some very large parties were hosted by a few residents and attended by all non residents.  These parties were jammed with people that clearly just heard about this party in this cool building and showed up.  You were supposed to have security hired if your party had over a dozen people in the commons area.  This never happened and parties got out of control with excessive drinking.  Of course inappropriate language was big at these parties.

The parking garage is disgusting, my lovely white sportscar ended up with black soot all over the hood every time I parked there overnight.

The Shelby

Shelby

The halls smell of trash a few days a week and are consistently dirty, the weight room equipment is outdated as well and the TV remote does not work for volume or power. The elevators are notoriously slow and the parking spaces are minuscule.

Initially, we thought it was great as it is so close to all the hip restaurants but we clearly figured out how unsafe it gets during the night. It is surrounded by junkies and bums, drug dealing takes place openly at every corner. We drive even to first avenue simply because it is unsafe to walk there.

The Stratford

Stratford

Unfortunately, the genius who laid the building out split once larger apts into an average size one bedroom and tiny studios, who share walls with the larger units’ bedrooms. Therefore, if tenants are not monitored, you’re going to get woken up all night by transients and welfare collectors, the only people who would rent these horrible studios.

The Cobb

Cobb

Cons:
— No concierge
–The public rooftop indoor space smells like mothballs
— The window ledges are dirty. There used to be flag holders that have been painted over a million times. Is this attention to historic detail and preservation?!
— The 2BR/2 Bath layout doesn’t have a balcony.

The Harbor Steps

Harbor Steps

Built in the 1994, the decor is out-of-date.

The NW and NE towers only have two elevators compared to the south towers which each have four.

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It’s a fantastic location if you enjoy being asked questions such as:

“Where is the mall?” and “Is this all there is to do around here?”

If you enjoy showing countless hordes of people how to buy and properly display their parking sticker – again, this is the place for you.

Do I hate tourists from the mid-west? You betcha.

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I live in the NE tower and have to call the concierge if I want a package and it isn’t a Monday or Friday night… sorry but I can’t schedule my life around package hours.  There have been 3 instances that I have waited over 20 minutes for a package. YES, 20 minutes. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

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Drag baseball

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God has a message for me

I like to read the religious books while I’m waiting for my birth control at the pharmacy. I found this today.

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Ye Olde Slashe Shippes: Þrymskviða

If you’re a fan of the new Thor movies, you might have heard that the original legends are… weird. Like, really weird. John Waters weird. This was not my field, so I am only dimly aware of what is going on here thematically, but I do know that this story is a prime example of the Norse gods’ proclivity towards gender-bending magic and ultraviolence.

This particular story comes from the Poetic Edda, one of the better preserved collections of Norse mythology. We can’t tell for certain when this particular tale was first told, because the manuscript is a collection of uncited work recorded from an older oral tradition. Some scholars will tell you it’s a legit pagan story, others contend that it’s an over-the-top Christian parody of these heathen gods.

Thor wakes up and realizes that he’s lost his hammer Mjölnir, so he goes to Loki for help. Loki flies off to the realm of the giants, where the thieving Thrym has hidden Thor’s hammer out of reach underground. Thrym wants to marry Freyja, the babeliest of the gods, and he offers to trade her for the hammer.

Loki returns to the realm of the gods. He and Thor are perfectly content to make the trade, but Freyja doesn’t think so highly of the idea:

Wrathful was Freyja, | and fiercely she snorted,
And the dwelling great | of the gods was shaken,
And burst was the mighty | Brisings’ necklace (source)
 

Heimdal comes up with the idea of having Thor, not Freyja, be presented as the bride:

“Bind we on Thor | the bridal veil,
Let him bear the mighty | Brisings’ necklace;”
 
thor gets dressed up
Dress him up as a pretty princess, is what I’m saying. (source)

 

Thor isn’t too keen on this idea, but Loki talks him into it; Mjölnir is such a powerful weapon that the giants could take over the realm of the gods if Thor doesn’t man up and put on that dress. So he gets gussied up, and off they go to the realm of the giants for the wedding:

Then bound they on Thor | the bridal veil,
And next the mighty | Brisings’ necklace.
Keys around him | let they rattle,
And down to his knees | hung woman’s dress;
With gems full broad | upon his breast,
And a pretty cap | to crown his head.
Then Loki spake, | the son of Laufey:
“As thy maid-servant thither | I go with thee;
We two shall haste | to the giants’ home.”
 

Yeah, Loki’s getting in on this cross-dressing action too.

thor and loki

Oh yeah, this is definitely gonna work (source)
 

Thor makes a fool of himself at the wedding by drinking an enormous amount of mead and eating, among other things, an entire ox and eight salmon. Loki is forced to make excuses for him, and things get dicey when Thrym decides to look under the veil:

Thrym looked ‘neath the veil, | for he longed to kiss,
But back he leaped | the length of the hall:
“Why are so fearful | the eyes of Freyja?
Fire, methinks, | from her eyes burns forth.”
Hard by there sat | the serving-maid wise,
So well she answered | the giant’s words:
“No sleep has Freyja | for eight nights found,
So hot was her longing | for Jotunheim.”
 

Nice save, Loki. Thrym brings Mjölnir out as part of the ceremony. Thor grabs the hammer and kills his husband-to-be, followed by all the other giants in the hall. That’s it, folks: don’t steal from the gods, because you’ll be killed by angry drag queens. Let’s see if that story makes it into The Avengers 2.

M_Id_394340_The_avengers_Loki

Tune in next week for a story about a very pretty pony.
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